13 posts from 2006

It wasn't because my patients were two of the sweetest women ever, or because the sun was shining. But today I almost asked everyone at the nurses' station to join with me in perfomring a bold and energetic end zone victory dance. You know how those cocky football players stroll into the end zone and then do some bizarre dance where they wiggle and jump all around. I felt THAT GOOD today. Really. I think maybe, in the 9th week, I've gotten the hang of this first trimester thing.

Tools for success:
Step 1. Go to bed at 8:30 pm
Step 2. Eat startchy food every one hour. Do NOT delay, even if your patient is calling for the bed pan.
Step 3. Sea Bands
Step 4. If you wretch, let it flow. You'll feel much better afterwards.
Step 5. (for this I have my sister to thank) Keep water handy garnished with a slice of lemon and and one slice of lime.
Step 6. California rolls. (that's the cheating kind of sushi without the raw fish)

This is not a drama queen statement. But I have gained a new level of respect for the patients I've cared for who are receiving chemo treatments. I know the discomfort I've been experiencing the last few weeks is only a fraction of what they must suffer. Feeling good today really added perspective to how rotten I have been feeling and all day I was very, very, very thankful to feel normal once again.

Right now I should be taking advantage of some post prandial energy to catch up on some seriously neglected housework. Last week I bought a new toaster. It's still sitting in the box on the floor by the old, dysfunctional one. The one that we have to put on broil and toast one side at a time. I need to unravel the myriad electrical wires of the phone, microwave and old toaster, extract it from it's neat little nook on the ikea shelf and take it to its grave. On an up note, I have already done some ironing and cleaned up the kitchen this morning. I scrubbed the tenacious, brown schmutz from the white porcelain and scoured the glazed, grey burners. And while I did all this, I listened to Dr. Dan Gotleib on NPR discussing the challenge of raising grandchildren in the absence of their parents. It makes me sad that what makes it so difficult for these compassionate and generous grandparents is the maze of legal battles and boundaries surrounding healthcare for the children and applying for public assistance when the absent parents are still considered the legal guardians and therefore the grandparents don't have the authority to apply for such things. The ancient hunter-gatherer societies seem so much simpler sometimes.

But I digress. I found myself at the computer right now because it is where I sat to call the insurance company to try to figure out my options for ultrasound. Apparently I can go out of network and I have a $300 deductible there. Or I could stay in network and use the HMO part of the coverage and pay a $0 copay for the ultrasound at the local hosptial. I guess my choice seems simple there. Now I have to track down a referral and get the OB to precertify the test. All to confirm my due date, which as of now stands at June 17, 2006. Since my cycles are erratic at worst and 40ish days long at best, we need to make sure that we're shooting for the right date. I'm not complaining. I'm thrilled that I'll get to see the little kidney bean sooner.

Last Thursday Sean and I went to see the wonderful Vivian for our first OB visit. Once again I peed in a cup to confirm the pregnancy, and then we sat and talked all about what to expect and what our options are for delivery. My biggest disapointment is that Vivian doesn't deliver anymore. Appparently the hospital with which her practice is associated is no longer open to midwives. It's MD deliveries only. I have to tell you that this is not something that is comforting to me. Startched white coats and old, stodgy medicine is not the way I want to introduce my child into this world. I know, this is the world I live in day-to-day. But neurosurgery is a place where white coats and a healthy dose of "stodge" are OK. Women have delivered babies naturally for centuries. I have a million questions to ask the OBs in the rest of the practice. Apparently I will be meeting each of them as my due date approaches, and I will grill each of them to make sure they won't be injecting "stodge" into my life come the middle of June.

I assisted Vivian in a delivery when I was in nursing school. She was amazing, and when I actually began to search for a gynocologist for myself her name jumped out at me right away. I will never forget her focus and respect of the woman whose delivery she was overseeing. She assures me she will prepare me for my delivery and enable me to experience childbirth the way I want to. I think I trust that she will.

After our visit with Vivian I had a rough weekend. Friday and Saturday were the first days of this pregnancy where I really couldn't keep anything down. That was rather disconcerting as I had to go into work for a night shift Saturday night. I broke down as I was getting ready for work, then again at work when a coworker tenderly asked me how I was feeling. I felt so silly. There I was at the nurses station hiding my teary face and trying to be strong. I'm learning about myself that I really am not a good sick person. I find it hard to put on a good face and act normal when I feel miserable and completely worn out.

The story has a happy ending though. I ended up being able to stomach some pasta and had a relatively good night at work on Saturday. Sunday our census in the ICU was low so they called me off and I enjoyed a relaxing evening playing cards with some friends and my dear husband. Today I've felt very tired, and I slept until 10am. That's becoming more of a pattern than I'm proud to admit. But now after a hearty lunch of chicken salad on toast (toasted in the bum toaster) with cucumbers and half a grapefruit I'm ready to takle the dog hair with the vaccum and the soap scum in the tub with the sponge. I might even make some pumpkin muffins to take with me when I return to work on Wednesday.

Thank God for waves of energy that are mixed in with those powerful waves of nausea here in the 9th week. I'm holding out for Dec 5th and the start of my 12th week. Hopefully those days will find me feeling the elation that is rumored to go along with the 2nd trimester.

Interesting you should ask. Last week at work we had a whole 2-hour long conversation about this very thing as we transported a patient to CT Scan and back. The topic was sparked by an article about Shaq the deputy. Cory asked if I had enough money to live comfortably, would I continue to work? Would I work as a nurse?

Yes and NO! Definately my days within hospital walls would be numbered if there was no monetary reason to be here.

I would work with animals in some capacity. And I can't decide between training seeing eye dogs or being that person in the scuba suit that feeds the fish at the aquaium. You know, the one that swims around and has all the fish following her because she's the one with the bucket of appropriately pungent fish innards.

Then again, I'd settle for being a mom.

In other news, I just discovered something that smells GOOD and makes my nausea melt away. GRAPEFRUIT! I dug my grapefruit out of the fridge for a 2 am snack and the pleasant citrus aroma helped me float away to a happy place. I know it all sounds abnormal. But I've decided nothing about pregnancy is normal.

We had a truely wonderful visit with Sean's grandparents on Sunday. It was great to see them and good to see their smiles when we told them our good news. Even better was the reminder from g'pa that "though I walk through the valley... I fear no evil." Their evening vesper service where Mr. Malin spoke was balm to my discouraged soul. He encouraged looking not at our own strength when assessing whether "we'll make it", but to reherse in our minds the promises of God and His all sufficient grace. I'm working night shift three nights this week. And I'm working them with an orientee who is at the end of her training. So she's independent and I have to let her do her thing. I've been Exhausted lately and miserably nauseous. I'm best if I have something to keep me busy to keep my mind off how I feel. But there's nothing to keep my busy when I'm with my orientee. Add night shift to the mix and I've had myself all worked up and supremely dreading this stretch of nights. Enter Mr. Malin and his firm admonisments to reherse those promises which are mine. I felt so much more peaceful as we drove the winding roads through Amish country from Quarryville back to suburban Philly.

Sean saved me this weekend with soft pretzels. I hate all food. The more fragrant, the more I hate it. Alas, will I ever enjoy food again? He had the bright idea that pretzels are bland and essentially odorless. So when he went to pick up our dinner, he stopped off at Wawa and picked me up a pretzel. It did the trick and now a soft pretzel has become a permanent fixture in my purse.

I am determined not to complain my way through this pregnancy. So here are some cool things. The baby is now the size of a kidney bean. He or she has eye lids and can kick his or her arms and legs. My first OB appointment will be this Thursday. I still fit in all my clothes! I've not gained any weight yet... But Dana assures me that I'll wake up one morning and not fit into my clothes.

In other news, Sean is getting closer to finishing our bed. So we're starting to brainstorm crib designs. I've given him April as a deadline to finish this newest project or else I go purchase one. It will be special to have one that he made himself - but it's been more than 2 years for the bed... I really don't need the extra stress of wondering whether my baby will be sleeping in a dresser drawer rather than a crib as the due date approaches.

I had another baby dream last night. It wasn't too freaky - and it was just little spurts of a story line. Mostly waking up at my parents' house and wondering where my mom put the baby down to sleep last night. hmmm. I will be a responsible mother, I promise.

WEEK 7

The nose on my face is trying hard to upstage all 4 or my other senses. Think about your schnoz. How many times a day do you smell something? I think that in the past on any given day I've caught whiffs of smells here and there, usually more frequently at work. But I am definitely not used to smelling something 24-7. Yesterday at my mom's for dinner all I smelled the entire time was the broccoli and cauliflower. That was even over the chicken with tomatoes, basil and black olives.

The experience of such a powerful nose would be amusing, except that a large percentage of every smell makes me severely nauseous. Yes folks, the nausea has moved in and seems to be here to stay. It's worse when I need to eat, better just after I have eaten a meal. But finding a meal that will sit well is challenging. Nothing appeals. I'm better if I stick to bland things. Salt is a bad thing for my tastebuds, as is sugar. It's hard to find something that doesn't feature those two flavors in abundance.

I have a theory that this baby is going to be full of life. It is sure sucking the life out of me. I've prided myself for years on my physical fitness. It's something I work hard to keep at a high level. But since there's this little chick pea-sized neural tube deep in the dark recesses of my abdomen, I'm so easliy short-of-breath. Walking from the train into work this morning left me short of breath with a pounding heart. It took the first hour of my shift to recover. I usually climb the stairs from the cafeteria on the 2nd floor to our unit on the 5th. I just did that 45 minutes ago and I'm still huffing and puffing.

We told my grantparents and my sisters an brothers-in-law yesterday. My dad's mom knew right away. I didn't even get to finish my sentence and she asked: "are you?". She was excited and told me to stop working so hard. My other grandparents were tickled too, obviously. Now that they know it won't be long before the secret is out. We told my sisters and their husbands in a creative way. We incorporated the revelation into the course of a name guessing game that we sometimes play together. So they were taken quite off guard. Sean likes the playful ways of telling people because otherwise he thinks he'd succomb to tears in the telling.

We're looking for a good digital camera. We scoured the consumer reports yesterday and are on the search full force. Once I have the camera I'll be able to post belly pictures. This is a journal for posterity - it might be fun to look back and see the progress. Don't be afraid, it'll be fun.

Has this ever happened to you? You have a dream that you had a powerful interaction with a casual acquaintance. In the day, maybe days following said dream, you feel lingering emotions from your dream when you interact with that person. Those feelings may be completely inappropriate - like anger if you dreamed of a fight, or love if you dreamed of a romantic encounter. That's happened to me a few times. Sean has occasional dreams that we have fought and then he has a weight on his shoulders all day until I get home from work and he can see me and see we are ok.

Last night I had my first maternal dream. I dreamed I was starting to breast feed my new little baby. It wasn't going very well, but I was excited to keep working on it and for it to be something me and my little one would master together. I've been experiencing lingering waves of maternal emotions all day as I've laized around the house and cleaned up the kitchen. I guess it's sort of appliles to my example above except these feelings are totally approprate. I should start feeling like I love my baby - even though after 3 positive tests I still feel that this is only demi-reality.

Yesterday I couldn't do my entire workout. My legs turned to jelly abut 3/4 of the way through my routine and I had to stop. Then I spent the next hour feeling shaky and fighting off waves of nausea. Slowly walking around the grocery store I started to feel better. But I've used that as a justification not to go to the gym today. Instead I will take Lib for a good long walk and maybe join Dana for a walk with Charlie too.

I'm still not experiencing overwhelming morning sickness. It's wierd to feel hungry but at the same time be so turned off at the idea of food. That seems to get stronger and stronger every day. My little baby is apparantly the size of a lentil bean with an overly large head with dark spots where the eyes will be and ear divits. This week the lentil will grow to the size of a chick pea and grow limb stubs that will be waving around by the end of the week. Amazing!

Last night went splendidly despite the traffic, late dinner and needing to pee for 2 hours in a traffic jam. All those things fade away when I remember the look on our parents' faces when we told them our good news. The memory of the collective grinning and excitement makes me feel warm and fuzzy. They were/are so happy about their first grandchild.

Sean presented our dads with their gift in a blue bag with white tissue paper. "This is to make sure you're properly outfitted for the [Penn State] game tomorrow. They eagerly reached into the bag and pulled out their tissue paper-wrapped frames (which were pewter with a toy train at the bottom and the letters: BABY). They unwrapped them and read the insert in the frame: "Stay tuned: Picture to be revealed June, 2007". Both dads looked perplexed, and while I really tried to watch all FOUR parents for their reaction, my dad caught my eye when the light when on and his face brightened and a bit. "OH!" escaped his lips. He turned the frame around for my mom to see and she screamed and jumped up and the rest was a blur of exclaimations of "congratulations!" and "this is great news!" and hugs all around. They were surprised. They were happy. There were less tears than I expected, and many, many smiles and questions.

Mom and I chatted about all things baby-related the whole 2+ hour drive home. And I could've gone for much more. I love hearing all about her pregnancies with us three girls. But it was way past late. I dropped her off, she hugged me and called me "Little Momma" and gave one more round of congratulations. Then I went home and let the Libster out. Poor thing had been alone all day long. I owe her loving. Since Sean was still out in H-burg, planning on driving to Happy Valley with our dads and his brother for the big game today, I invited Libs up for a snuggle and promptly drifted off to happy sleep. The sleep was not without crazy dreams, and 8:30 came all too quickly. I'm so thankful I didn't have to work at 7am though poor, insomniac mom did. She called me at 10:30 as I was driving to work to see how I was feeling. She was feeling like a zombie as she couldn't sleep. Her brain was racing around all things baby-related. I felt really bad, but also very happy that they're so excited. My excitement that has kind of dulled over the week of staying "mum" has been reignited. Thanks, mom, mom, dad and dad! I'm so glad you're all so excited!

Symptom watch for today: TIRED! Kind of yucky feeling, but not quite nauseous. Just needed a little gingerale to settle my stomach and some crackers. Otherwise not much else to report.

I just spent a few hours with two good friend of mine. One I have known since grade school. The other is my best friend, former roommate and bridesmaid. I feel so deceptive when they ask: "So what's new with you?" and I make stuff up about work and the patients I take care of and talk to them about my sister's move. This is so out of my character not to wear all emotion and good news like a sandwich board for the world to see. My life is pretty much an open book. Always has been. It's too tiring to try to be anyone but who I am. These girls are precious to me and I look forward to the moment I can tell them. I know they will pray for my baby and for Sean and I as we prepare to be parents. And right now, I am eager for that prayer support for this precious child!

For now, my sights are set on tomorrow and the moment we will tell our parents. We talked about it today as we made dinner and we're stumped as to how to go about the revelation. Funny enough, we both anticipate it feeling like an akward moment. I'm not really sure why. But when I picture myself actually saying the words: "We're pregnant" to parent types, the initial joy I felt fades into that uncomfortable feeling you get when a make-out scene comes on a movie that you're watching with your dad. I'm making a proverbial mountain out of a mole hill, I know. Because I am sure there will be smiles and tears, and then I will finally be able to talk to my mom about all these wonderful things I am experiencing.

Before the big announcement, there will be the first big DR visit with the dreaded Monster Kuklinski. I imagine her being aloof and professional and completely brusque. I am already preparing a list of questions because I tend to get flustered by her hurried attitude and I have a ton of questions to ask her. But I wonder if she will do a doppler to look for heart tones? I have a little doppler at work. Maybe I can play with that if things are slow on Saturday. I really just want the blood test to add to the two little pink sticks with 2 lines each to confirm that there actually is a little neural tube growing into a spine and brain somewhere in the depths of my abdomen. And I want someone to tell me when to expect the arrival of our new permanent house guest. How much time will Sean and I have to teach Libby to say "baby?"

I will see the alustrious and wonderful Vivian (a.k.a. Nurse Midwife) on November 9. If my calculations are correct, that will be somewhere around my 8th week. So I'm hoping for an U/S then. And I know that Vivian will sit and talk and answer all my questions and validate these feelings and be excited for and with me! I don't expect that from the monster I'll see tomorrow. But hey - she's impressed and surprised me before. Maybe tomorrow will be one of those days.

I broke down and had a small cuppoJo last night at 3am. (Sorry little nrural tube) Now I want more. I'm so tired! Slept a little more than 6 hours after my last night shift. Now I'm wandering the house trying to make myself be productive or eat something. But only cool, wet lemonade is appealing to me right now. I have to figure out something to make for dinner but definately NOTHING peaks my fancy. I was going to make my dad's American Spaghetti. Too salty. Need fruit and juicy fresh produce. But I don't have the energy to run to the grocery. Hmmm, how can I creat something from the contents of my fridge?

At least I'm dressed in something other than sweats and my hair is done. And I have to say for the record, because this is probably one of the last times I'll ever say this, I actually look rather skinny in these Khakis that I'm wearing. Apart from the fact that my top half is bursting out of my shirt. No belly pictures of any interest yet in this pregnancy. We're almost to week 6. I'm in no rush.

Friday will be the big day! S and my mom and dad and I will drive out and have dinner with my MIL at The Brownstone Cafe. It would be nice to tell them there, but we'll wait until later when FIL gets home from a meeting and tell all 4 at once. I'm so glad we will get to tell them all together and see their faces in person. I didn't want to be out so late Friday night since I'd have to get up at 5am Sat for work, but thanks to my boss, I won't have to get up that early on Sat. Today in a rare and generous gesture, she gave me permission to start my shift Sat at 11am. That's a great thing.

Symptom watch for today: 2 or 3 waves of nausea when I was in a patient's room where the temperature felt like 100 degrees. I was also hungry at the time. Over the last hour or two my cramps have really intensified in my lower abdomen and spread to my lower back too. Bathing and boosting my heavy patients in bed I can really feel the tug in my lower back tonight. I think I'll try to take it easy on the manual labor for the rest of my shift. Still sore up top too. I'm told that won't go away.

So now a handful of my coworkers, including my boss know. When I told my boss I needed to have dinner with my and S's parents her comment was: "I think I know why". Back a month ago - right at the date that I ovulated, I had a touch of the stomach flu and was hoarding saltines all day long at work. She thought I was preg then. I knew she thought it and was looking forward to proving her wrong. I guess I proved myself wrong, though I wasn't preg at that time. I also told a fellow preg friend yesterday. She was sharing her symptoms and I slipt and said: "me too!" oops. If you know me  you know that I just can't keep a secret! It's not in my nature. S talked his college buddy tonight. This guy is a new father and was sharing all kinds of stories about his little girl. S's face was all red as he bit his lip tring not to spill the beans. He did a better job than me.

 Only 7 more weeks till we tell the world. And 3 days till we tell our parents.